Jen In China

In spite of all the lectures I complained about before, I had an awesome week of classes this past week. Maybe my subconscious filtered through the crap and held onto any tidbits that were constructive, maybe I just let it go and got on with it, maybe a little of both - whatever it was, I hope I can continue like this!

I don't have a lot of time to post tonight, but I was just checking out my horoscope on Yahoo, and this is what it said:

"You're obviously struggling with something big, dear dear Taurus. People's recent comments on your irritability are well founded. But don't worry; they'll forgive you eventually. In the meantime, do what you can to control your temper tantrums. They stem for your current fears, which seem to be multiplying exponentially. Blame the current situation on the planets, and accept it as a lesson on the path to self-realization."

Interesting... Maybe all those lectures had nothing to do with my teaching ability and/or personality - the planets are to blame!

The verdict is in: I suck at bowling.

Evin and I joined a bunch of the teachers from New Time (another English school here in Shantou) for a post-class evening of 10-pin bowling. We played with Teresa (Alberta), Ty (Teresa's son, Victoria), Loni (Saskatchewan), Ben (Shantou, Loni's boyfriend), Joanne (Shantou), and Carol (ABC - Australian-Born Chinese). What a hoot! I'd never tried 10-pin before, and I did indeed suck.

It was a fun, relaxing evening - just what I needed. (And to think I nearly bailed, because I was too tired.) We're hoping to make this a regular event - it will probably be the most exercise I've had in a long time! (Though I'm sure the beer will counteract any positive effects of said exercise...)

***

I also wanted to tell you my latest cockroach story. On Saturday, when I got home from Chaozhou, I went into my room to unpack. The apartment was a little stuffy, so I opened my window. I'm not sure when he got in, but as I was putting some stuff away, I saw some movement out of the corner of my eye...

He was a big bug - and for a bug that size, he could really run. He hid in the corner, behind my door, and I ran to the kitchen to get the Raid. I sprayed him at point-blank range, but the can was empty! By this point he knew something was up and was running for his life - he beat it out of my room and was nearly in Denice's by the time I caught up with him. I tried a few more sprays, just to be sure, but it didn't work. So, in a desperate attempt to get rid of him, I bludgeoned him with the Raid can.

I never in my life thought I would be telling such a story. I'm not usually a squeamish person when it comes to bugs and stuff (except maybe spiders!), but I never thought I would be so calm about chasing and smashing a cockroach in my apartment. I really am growing as a result of this adventure!

I'm back from Shantou Polytechnic, and I have nothing but good things to say about that school! (I'm not a big fan of the 7:30 bus, mind you, but it's a small sacrifice I'm willing to make.)

First of all, the campus is gorgeous. It's about 20 minutes out of town, near the ocean and the mountains. It's clean, it's easy to get around, and the people there are very helpful and friendly.

I taught the Conversation Class first, which was okay. I took over this class from Denice due to a schedule change, and it was a bit awkward at first: I didn't know the details about what they'd already discussed, they wanted to talk about other things, in their discussion groups they spoke Chinese... But, I did what I could, and spent a lot of time talking with them after class.

The Business English class was a hoot. The students applauded when I came into the classroom (!), and had written a welcome message for me on the blackboard. There were some shy students, as expected, but on the whole, the class was active and fun.

As an aside, I'm still feeling a little lost and exasperated with the "constructive" input from all sides (I use the term "constructive" very loosely), but I'll find a way to cope.

I've been feeling a bit paranoid, as well - I suspect there's something going on behind the scenes, but I don't know how deeply it involves me, or how it's going to play out. For example: Last night, Denice said, "Jen, do you really want me to tell you all the things that they want you to change? I don't think that would be very helpful. It will just make you upset, and they just want to help." Maybe giving me a list of faults wouldn't be helpful - but I'm sure there are other ways of helping me. They all tell me I'm doing fine and that I'm a good teacher, but it really feels like I've committed some horrible teaching error somewhere along the line that is causing all of this examination, the lectures, and the closed-door discussions (about me, not with me). There are too many people telling me too many contradictory things, and my poor little brain can't take much more.

As I may have said earlier, I realize that I'm not perfect and would love to improve my teaching skills, but I can't read minds and I'm still trying to adapt to the finer points of "the Chinese way." Something's gotta give - and I hope it's not me, my integrity, my feelings about teaching, and/or my feelings about China!

I'll find a way to cope. I will. But a rant now and then really helps. (I didn't mean to turn this post into another bitch-fest, but, alas!)

I'm going to really like the new school. I'm itching to explore the campus a little bit, and very excited about getting to know the students - they're just so darn nice! I hope, though, that I don't get a swelled head from all the applause and attention - it will make the transition to life back in Canada that much more difficult! ;)

Now I have to prepare for tonight's class - then I can nap! Woo!

Two posts in one day! Unprecedented! Actually, I was planning to get on here a few hours ago and bitch and moan and rant and rave. I'm feeling calmer now - but I'm still going to ramble on in a "bitch-moan-rant-rave" manner.

Sometimes I have trouble with being under a microscope. I'm not talking about the staring, and I'm not even talking about being a foreigner in China - at this point, my beef is with the school. Perhaps my last few weeks have merely been filled with a string of unfortunate coincidences, but man, things are really rubbing my rhubarb these days!

I seem to be getting lectured at every turn - and I never know what is real and what is "face." One boss will tell me one thing, which then be contradicted by my other boss - and both stories have an element of both truth and lie... It's enough to make me tear my hair out. Sometimes I know exactly where they're coming from and they make sense and I'm willing to change - others, I haven't the foggiest clue what's expected or what's to be done.

On the whole, I think I'm a pretty good ESL teacher. I have fun with my students, we get along, and we learn from each other. Of course, I've made mistakes and there is certainly room for improvement, but I work hard and I'm usually pleased with the way things turn out.

When the lectures have some relevance, I'm willing to sit through them and find something I can use. However... What the hell does the fact that I'm "not very photogenic" have to do with my ability to teach English? (This was a reference to my resume photo - I'd already heard all the comments the staff made before I arrived, and tried to laugh them off. But those were personal comments, they had little or nothing to do with my teaching skills.) And why the hell would you bring it up five months in?

Further to that, apparently my bosses were led to believe that I was "talkative" from my resume and from Denice's reports, and now they're disappointed that I'm not. What? I'm missing something...

I am sick and tired of not being able to "win." If I disagree, I'm out of line, but if I agree I'm passive; if I'm quiet in the classroom, I'm a disappointment because I'm not talkative, but if I talk I talk too much; if I'm quiet in the office, there must be something seriously wrong in my life and I am harassed into discussing it, but if I want to talk about something, it's inappropriate to do so... the list goes on. It's trivial BS like this that in itself seems like something I should just forget about, but when it adds up it really does my head in.

Anyway... It all came to a head in a conversation I had with Denice earlier this afternoon, and I needed to blow off some steam. I'm too tired and irritable to string a coherent sentence together right now. Rereading this post, I feel a bit sheepish - I am the first to admit that I can be too sensitive and that I have a tendency to take things too personally. I am going to publish this anyway, and then try to let it go!

I don't know if you've been able to check out the pictures of me in the "Smurf Kitchen," but that funny little photo has become a curse!

You see, Denice was very proud of her handiwork. (She'd created the embellished photo about a week after teaching her students in Chaozhou about Halloween.) When she brought photos from the Halloween party to Chaozhou to show her students, she also snuck in the "Jen as Smurfette" photo. No problem - the kids there think I'm a big goof anyway (and they're probably right!). However, she also taught the children to sing to me when we meet in the halls: "Hello, Jen! La, la, la, la, la, la..." (Those of you who remember the Smurf song will now have it in your heads - my apologies!)

She told me about this, and I laughed. It was cute, but there was no way that these kids would remember such a thing... Ah, famous last words. It's been three weeks and it's still haunting me! Not only did she teach it to her regular Grade 2 and 3 students, she also taught it to her Saturday classes - most of whom are my Grade 1s. Sigh.

So this morning, during our break, we were mobbed, as usual. In a move that can only be described as "diabolical," Denice started to sing the Smurf song. This caused the children to divert their attention from Denice to me - she was looking pretty frazzled and needed a break, but I was feeling unusually energetic (especially considering the early hour). In that instant, I became the Pied Piper of Chengnan Primary School.

For 10 minutes, I skipped up and down the hallway, dozens of Chinese children trailing after me, grabbing onto whatever they could grab, all of us singing "La, la, la, la, la, la!" Denice tried to get a picture, but I'm not sure how much luck she had - as soon as the children who weren't being Smurfs saw the camera, they all clamoured to have their photo taken.

Now I'm home, and I'm shattered. I plan to do a whole lot of nothing tonight (though I should be doing some more lesson plans), then it's back to the grind tomorrow morning. On Monday, I join Evin and Denice at Shantou Polytechnic, a college outside of town. I'll be teaching Monday and Wednesday mornings - one conversation class, the three "Business English" classes.

I'm a little nervous, but I think it will be a nice change. (Apparently the campus is beautiful, and the students and staff speak English very well.) I'm a bit concerned about the quality of the textbook I'll be using for the Business class, and I'm not sure how well I'll be able to keep a conversation going for 90 minutes at 8 a.m. on a Monday morning - I wonder if skipping and singing would work...

My left arm looks as though someone has bitten me and taken a chunk out of my arm... I have six red, swollen, itchy welts in a perfect semi-circle on my elbow (and a few others besides). I noticed them this afternoon. (I'm reasonably sure they're mosquito bites, but I wouldn't bet the farm on that.) It's messed up - this is what happens when you leave the windows open. That , plus the cockroaches and the rats get in - Evin surprised a rat in here the other night, but it made a frantic dash for freedom before doing any damage. (How it got up to the 12th floor is beyond me.)

On a completely different tangent...

Being a foreigner in China, people tend to assume one of two things about my occupation: I'm either an English teacher or a prostitute. It's sad, really. I don't know where that latter assumption comes from, but it's a reality, especially in Chaozhou (probably has something to do with the hotel).

For example: On the bus to Chaozhou a couple of weeks ago, a man graciously presented Denice and I with his card. When he found out we were teachers, he looked crestfallen. (While he was talking to us, another man left his seat at the front of the bus to join us at the back... he'd tried talking to me earlier, and I know he didn't speak a word of English. I think he'd gotten his hopes up, but we dashed them when we gave him our school cards.)

I thought the card man was just being nice - but Denice later told me that she's seen men do that with the "kareoke girls," hoping for a little more than a duet and a dance...

Last week, I was waiting for Johnny and Denice in the hotel lobby, and noticed that I was being ogled by a couple of men who were standing near the front desk. Being stared at, as you know, is not unusual. I didn't think anything of it, and did what I usually do when faced with prolonged staring: I gave a sarcastic little smirk and a wave. Alas, instead of embarassing them and making them look away, like this trick usually does, it seemed to encourage them. Before they approached me, thank goodness, Johnny and Denice arrived, and we left the lobby. (Denice had a similar experience waiting for the elevator one night - she was openly looked up and down and appraised, but escaped before she was approached.)

I'm getting used to this. It doesn't really bother me anymore. I usually write it off as a funny story and a cultural experience. The first time it happened, though, it did kinda bother me. Well, I suppose I was more shocked and disconcerted than bothered...

[Disclaimer: This story may not live up to its own hype. Not only have I talked too much about it, thus lessening its impact, it is 4 a.m. right now and I'm going cross-eyed.]

I had been in China less than a week, and it was my first visit to Chaozhou. We arrived at the hotel, bags in tow, and went up to the third floor. Usually the staff tells us the room number and leaves the door open for us. This time, the woman just pointed down the hall, but didn't tell us what room. We walked into the first open door we saw, much to the surprise of the two men already in there! We hurried out, found our room (which was right next door), and got on with our day.

Later that evening, our room phone rang. This was odd, because no one knew our room number, and if Johnny wanted to talk to us, he'd call Denice's cell phone. Denice answered, and was greeted by a man speaking Chinese. She assumed it was the front desk, but didn't understand what was going on. (I was watching from the sidelines, a confused, jet-lagged look on my face.) She just kept saying "Ting bu dong" (I don't understand), but the tenacious caller wouldn't give up. All she could figure out was that they were in 313 and they were looking for something. As luck would have it, Johnny arrived and Denice passed the phone to him.

I watched Johnny's face go from polite indifference to confusion to rage in about five seconds. He flipped out. He started yelling, he slammed down the phone, and he marched to their room and pounded on the door. (They, wisely, were very quiet and pretended they weren't there.) He went down to the front desk and demanded to know who these people were, and that they be informed that they were "impolite." (Being impolite is one of the last things you want to be in China.) They never called back...

Turns out, these guys were the men we'd walked in on. They assumed, because we were white, and because we'd walked into their room carrying our bags, that we were "hens" (English translation of Chinese slang). They'd called asking about our "services." Johnny set them straight, but it was somewhat unsettling (of course, this was before I knew much about the home-away-from-home that is The Overseas Chinese Hotel).

My first week in China, and people thought I was a hooker. Nice. What a great story to write home about - my Mom will be so proud!

Thank heaven for cooler weather.

This week in Chaozhou has been one of my best, and I'm sure it has to do with the fact that I'm not sweating to death every day. Classes were great. The kids were their usual screaming selves, and at one point I got swarmed and nearly took a header down the stairs, but the classes were active and held their interest, and I had the energy to keep it up for three days.

One of my students phoned me - he's only 5, but one of the smartest in my 103 class. We actually had a real conversation, in which he used sentences and words I had taught him... I was thrilled to bits.

On the flip side, I inadvertently got two little boys in 105 in trouble. Often students will give me gifts - stickers, trinkets, pictures of themselves, pictures they've drawn, oragami, notes... This week, two boys handed me a note, giggling all the while. In a mixture of Chinese, English, and body language, I told them I didn't understand (they knew that, hence the giggling), and asked if I could show their teacher and ask for a translation. They giggled some more and agreed... and the shit hit the fan.

I showed Christina, and she freaked out. She yelled at the students, then kept the boys after class; I can only imagine what happened in that disciplinary session. When I got back from lunch, they were standing at the top of the stairs waiting to apologize to me, and she told me that she'd called their mothers. And I still have no idea what the note said. She wouldn't translate, all she said was that it was "bad news." She wouldn't give me back the note, and she won't tell any of the other teachers what it said. I felt terrible - I honestly thought it was something cute and innocent; for all I know, it was.

Anyway, as I was saying...the great thing about cooler weather is that I can do stuff. I have the energy now, and I also have the desire to leave the A/C. (I always have the desire to leave the smelly hotel, but it was just too hot until recently to do so for long.) This is why the classes were so good, I think, and why I had such a fun three days.

Thursday night, after Teacher Torture (teaching the teachers at Chengnan Primary is a weekly nightmare), Evin, Denice, and I went to grab something to eat. Denice felt sick and didn't stick around too long, but Evin and I decided that we needed to get up to some hijinks, so we wandered around Chaozhou for a bit.

We found a little walking street with a bunch of shops, and discovered some of the best "Chinglish" clothes I have ever seen. (There are so many products here with strange English writing on them - usually it makes no sense at all. I'm compiling a list; when I can, I take photos. It doesn't seem to matter what things say, as long as they have English words on them. Sorry, not necessarily words. English letters will do in a pinch.) I really wanted to buy the "Bathing Ape" sweatshirt, but it was too expensive. I managed one photo of Evin, trying to decide between the ape and "Le Boy Wear No. 1." We were killing ourselves...

Because it was such a nice evening, we decided to go to the park we'd discovered the previous week. We didn't want to do that without refreshments, so we picked up a couple of quarts of Tsing Tao and drank them in a little gazebo overlooking the river. The whole time we were there, we didn't see a single person! (That may not sound odd, but this is China! There are always people everywhere, regardless of the time of day.) We thought we were going to have to spend a chilly night in the park when it appeared that we were locked in, but the kindly gate keeper (the same man who had tried to scam us on the ticket price when we went in) heard us contemplating our options and set us free.

Friday evening, I went for dinner with my friend/colleague Calley. Afterwards, we went for a walk and ended up at the Great Wall of... Chaozhou. (Apparently Johnny tricked Denice into believing it was the Great Wall when she first got here.) Again, lovely evening, so we walked around, I took some pictures, and we had a great chat about all sorts of things. There were dozens of people out that night (granted, it was a lot earlier than when Evin and I were out), including little girls selling roses. I think they're a step up from the beggar children that are sent out among the crowds; this girl was very young, and very new to the rose-selling game. She just chanted at us and followed us for a long time. Eventually she got tired of me refusing her, and grabbed onto my shirt. She wouldn't let go; when I tried to pry her fingers off, she tightened her grip. It worked though - I caved, and bought a rose, which I promptly gave to Calley. (I don't know what to say about the beggars, children or otherwise. I think that's best left for another post.)

Saturday after class, I met up with two girls who were summer students of mine, Keannly and Soffie, plus Soffie's younger sister, Andrea. (Keannly and Soffie were two of the few summer students who didn't make me feel like jumping off the balcony every week...) They took me out for lunch, then to the Wall. We walked around, took some photos, then we rented a three-seater tandem bicycle. Hilarity ensued.

We played musical seats for a while - we couldn't balance, and my legs were too long for any seat but the front. Since there were four of us, the little sister had to ride side-saddle on the back (this is not unusual - double-riding is an art form here). Eventually we got the hang of it, and biked back to the main gate without incident - we even had a mini-race with some boys who thought it was funny to watch the foreigner on a bicycle. My legs were aching and my nerves shot by the end of it. (I believe I've mentioned the traffic here, right? It applies to all modes of transportation: car, bike, foot... I was nervous being at the helm, but we survived.) It was a great way to spend a sunny Saturday afternoon.

Now I'm back in Shantou, and I suppose that's it for tonight. It's 3 a.m., I must sleep.

Oh, yes! I was mistaken for a hooker again last week - now I have no choice but to elaborate. Next post, honest.

My heartfelt thanks to all of you who have written me with your condolences over the loss of little Xena. I really appreciate your kindness and support.

The Chinese reaction to Xena's passing and my sadness has been primarily one of bewilderment: "Why are you so sad? Just get another one!" and "There's no need to cry. She was just a cat." Cultural differences, I suppose. They're not trying to be insensitive, they just don't understand me and my reaction...

To all of you who do, thank you.

It is with a heavy heart that I write tonight...

Little Xena shuffled off this mortal coil this morning. She was fine when I went to bed Saturday night, having been well looked after while I was in Chaozhou, but this morning something happened.

Around 7:30, she woke me up crying - she'd had an accident on my bed, so I thought she'd been crying because she couldn't get down to get to the litter box, and I woke up too late to help her. I realized that she'd had more than one kind of accident at the same time, which I thought was very odd... I put her in the litterbox, and she climbed out and cried some more. This was not unusual - she always wanted to be held, or at least close to me. I picked her up and climbed back into bed; she lay down on my chest, as usual, and I tried to drift off. Then I moved my hand, and she just flopped over.

She couldn't stay upright. She cried a little bit, but then her breathing became shallow and laboured, and she couldn't move her legs or lift her head. I held her until I had to leave for school at 9:50 or so; I left her with Evin so she wouldn't be alone, and she passed about 10:30. (I didn't find out until noon, so I muddled through my morning class worried, and my afternoon class in a post-tear haze.)

Evin took good care of her, before and after. When I got home, he, Jany (pronounced "Jenny"), and I bought some paper money to put in her shoebox coffin (the Chinese burn paper money to send to their deceased ancestors in the afterlife - the bundles we bought were for safety and wealth), then took her to the harbour for a traditional Chinese pet send-off. Evin gave a sweet little eulogy, then Jany said something in Chinese and dropped her into the sea...

I am one sad Jen in China tonight. I know she wasn't with me long (she barely had a name, since I was waiting to see if she was a "Xena" or an "Avalon"), but I miss her. I'd grown quite attached, as had Evin, and even Denice, who had lukewarm feelings about having a cat in the house.

I wish I knew what happened. I was worried that I rolled over on her, but I don't think I did - she'd never let me, she was too vocal! Besides, by the time things went awry, she was not lying snuggled against me, as she liked to do... Playing the "What If?" game and feeling guilty isn't going to help me, I know. The general consensus is that she was simply too young to be taken from her mother. All I know for sure is that I'm sad.

Well, I survived. Barely.

All of the kids in Chaozhou were on uppers this week, I think. All of them - my regular students, my weekend students, Denice's students... I came home with a sore throat from trying to be heard above the din.

Last night we had our Halloween party - weeks of work and last-minute stress, not to mention hundreds of yuan, for 2 hours of mayhem. I cannot believe the destruction that befell our school. It was a very successful event, though - lots of guests (of all ages), more costumes than expected, and a good time had by all. The cleaning lady is going to have a stroke or quit when she walks into the building today - we did the best we could last night, but that wasn't a lot, considering our fatigue and need for a beer.

Evin, our new teacher, has arrived. Dave will be moving out tomorrow! Evin seems like a nice guy - he is from Ottawa, but has been in northern China since March. I think he'll be a good teacher and a lot of fun to hang out with - though I do have a great deal of pity for him having to live with David. (I know, I know - David is on my list of upcoming stories...)

Last night, I was dressed as a witch. (I wore the hat and cape in Chaozhou on Saturday, and have no idea how they came home in one piece...) Yesterday afternoon, one of my Senior High students gave me the perfect complement to my costume - a kitten! (Even halfway across the world I'm a crazy cat lady! I'd been telling my students about my cats at home, and her friend's cat had just had a litter... and now, here she is! It was a very thoughtful thing for her to do.) The kitten is an adorable little tabby with powerful lungs, especially considering her size - she fits in the palm of my hand. She is the same length as my cell phone. (I suspect she's the runt, but I still wonder if she was old enough to be taken from her mother.) As I type this, she's sitting on my shoulder, where she's been for the past hour and a half, dozing and watching me type. I can't decide whether she should be called Xena (for obvious reasons) or Avalon (a name suggested by a very close friend, after a book we know and love, The Mists of Avalon). Suggestions?

Okay, gotta eat, then maybe nap. Someone has been doing renovations in the apartment upstairs for over a week now - they start hammering about 8 a.m., and continue throughout the day. You can imagine how thrilled we all are about this...

Blog more soon!